The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
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My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
There’s no “u” in narcissist
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
True freaking story!
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
Baking is just science you can eat.