Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
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If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.