COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
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ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
I didn’t come here to be called names
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
scenes of unspeakable carnage
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*