“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
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finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
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