On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
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Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
who will stop them
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
another case of gang violins
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?