I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
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No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
New tinder profile pic
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
reviewed some movies recently
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
the short answer to this question
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.