If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
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My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone