I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
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Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
But that’s none of my business
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter