[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
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Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?