Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
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Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
i wish all
whales
a very
big
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
The best plant holders?
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
He wanted to make sure😂
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……