[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
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Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.