Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
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A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.