Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
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I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
I really had high hopes for this year though
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
OH. COME. ON.
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.