First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
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I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
just pretend nothing happened
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.