“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
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I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.