Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
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A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.