If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
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coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad