Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
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sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
spot the difference
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
Start the year as you intend to continue.
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair