Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
You Might Also Like
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.