My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
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She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
@funTweeters
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
Aaaa…CHOO!
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room