You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
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If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
Now that the sun is out here’s your reminder to not look directly at my legs or you may go blind
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.