This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
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DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring