Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
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Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
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I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.