TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
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WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.