What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
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Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.