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coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.