I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
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[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
my sentiments exactly
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
I’ve had relationships like this
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.