I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
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Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
These 3D printers are insane!
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.