I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
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There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?