[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
You Might Also Like
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
Bootstraps
Perfect
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
Kermit goes Blue.
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.