…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
You Might Also Like
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
My neck, my back, my…
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now