If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
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Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”