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me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.