It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
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*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.