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4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.