Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
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Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood