I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
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i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
I’m confused about plants
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup