To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
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You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
You deplete me
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm