just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
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I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
Software Development ⛵️
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
cry laughing at this shit
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
You can’t outrun your problems…
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.