I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
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Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.