IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
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Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
Flowers bee like
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island