You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
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When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
Come back with a warrant
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.