My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
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What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update