roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
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My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
Who wants to be my Valentine?
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”