If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
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In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.