I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
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When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
Easy enough.
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert