[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
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ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.