It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
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Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”