My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
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My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
💁🏻♂️
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
Hilarious if literal: arms race
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
Current mood: Potato
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.