Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
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I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
Cucumbers Anonymous
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.